Now - what is the difference in a victim and a survivor. I choose to be a survivor but still struggle, after over four years, not to feel like a victim. No matter how many times I have told myself to 'just get over it', the feeling still looms. Once again I will attempt to over come that ugly feeling.Clutter
When I look around me, I see so much clutter. This is not unusual and may even be a bit of an inherited habit, but not to this degree. Shortly after my accident, I spent a lot of time that I was unable to keep up with the regular maintenance of my home. I have an older place and if not worked on regularly, it starts to fall apart. And it shows. After many surgeries, I found that each one set me farther behind. Not only physically but financially. This is a double whammy since it does take cash flow to keep a place in reasonable shape. So what can be done?I still have not found the answer but I have found a bit more energy when it comes to correcting my personal surrounding. I am embarrassed to have anyone come to my home. It is a disaster. Ugly. Absolutely horrible.
And I am done living this way.
I have to ask myself why I have not done the things that I am capable of and there are a couple of answers. One - basic depression. I spend so much time feeling upset about the 'what could have beens' that there just isn't time to do those little things like go through the old mail and throw out the un-needed. And what about the bundling and bagging of the recycling? That does not take a penny. Only the will to get off my butt and do something. So many things that were just part of a daily routine have become a huge effort. Sort of like a diet. It takes a lot to get into that healthy routine. A lot more mental energy than I have not had for a long time.
Time to find that motivation to conquer the depression side of this.
Second - I think, just maybe, by existing in a home where I avoid having visitors, it will give me an excuse to keep people away. If no one is coming to my home, then I don't have to deal with anyone. I don't have to put on that happy face that really does not exist I call it keeping life simple. Reality - finding an excuse to hide in my own little sanctuary. Sort term that may be OK, but long term it just isn't.
Solution
The word solution sounds like such a strong and 'final' word. Perhaps I should find another but for now it will work. After all, I don't have a solution. Only a plan of attack.
The Plan
I made a sweep of my place and made a mental list of a couple of projects that I had planned on tackling BC (before crash). I will find a way to make these happen. One at a time. Without any pressure of a time limit. Just little steps towards a completion. Then, I looked at the area that is the most embarrassing and decided to take a little section at a time. Every week, if not a little everyday, I will make a visible difference in that 'little section'. After all, it isn't a big deal to move things on a shelf and dust. I use to do that a couple times a month. Now it may take a shovel to dust but I am willing. I'll rearrange and sort and alphabetize and throw out and bundle and - - eventually my little section will look great. And I will move on to the next little section. Eventually, things will look and feel better. Not to mention be a much healthier environment.
I am sure that a lot, if not most, of anyone who reads this will be saying - "duh! what is the big deal here.?" If that is you, then you most likely have not gone through a real traumatic event. Or are in denial of the effect that it has had on you. OR - just maybe, you are a very strong person. In which case, I applaud you and hope that you will offer some words of encouragement and advise.
For now - off to my 'little section' to improve.
Remember and read about how unhealthy it is to have clutter in your life. Here's a few sites to get you going -
A Clutter Too Deep for Mere Bins and Shelves
What Clutter Does to Your Mental and Physical Health (Eek!)
Clear the Clutter Out of Your Life
Side note here -
